Page To Pixel: Twilight

Posted: June 13, 2011 in Page to Pixel
Tags: , , , , , ,

You might be wondering what I’m thinking. When I brought up to my friends that there was a game based on Twilight, they were like “seriously?” And I myself tried to get out of it, pulling up other games that had Twilight in the title- maybe Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Command & Conquer: Tiberian Twilight, or Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits. But no. I decided I’m gonna take both barrels and play Scene It: Twilight on the Nintendo Wii.

Before we start, here’s a cool vampire for you.

The book Twilight is author Stephenie Meyer’s collection of vampire themed masturbatory fantasies  tale of an author insert girl named Bella Swan, who is…um…into this dude who happens to be a vampire but instead of walking the streets of London dressed like a pimp, turning into a bat, shooting fireballs from his cape, or capping ghouls with a .454 Casull, he feeds on cows and sparkles in the sunshine. There’s also a running subplot with a shirtless Matthew McConagheuy devotee  dude who also happens to be a werewolf.

Now, I can tell you this much through pop-cultural osmosis, although to be fair I did read the book…OK, that is a blatant lie. I read-no, I’m lying again- skimmed the sample pages on Amazon. And I sorta watched the movie too, although admittedly I wasn’t paying all that much attention and pretty much flung up my arms and said “Screw you guys, I’m going home” when they started playing vampire baseball.

But admittedly, I’m an adult male and clearly not in the target demographic. Let’s face it, as modern vampires go, stuff like Hellsing and The Strain are just much more up my alley. I’m naturally going to hate this. It’s like if all other vampire media were Star Trek characters, Twilight would be Neelix. That’s right. Lower on the scale even than Wesley Crusher.

So yes, now that all that is out of the way – I have to process the fact that I have a Twilight game in my hands. Deep breath. THIS EXISTS. And it’s not even anything that they could fantastically screw up. It’s not a hilariously bad graphic adventure, it’s not an ill-advised 3D platformer, nope – it’s a trivia game. And one made by Konami, no less. Regardless of how many Castlevania or Silent Hill entries they may or may not have screwed up (your mileage will vary, naturally)…can they mess up a simple trivia game?

Well the first thing I looked at was the back of the box.  The text at the top reads, WHEN YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER, WHAT DO YOU LIVE FOR? And I’m like…the hell? Is this Highlander?

To remind myself of something cool I’m not writing about.

Well, I roped a buddy into it to find out (which reminds me that I owe him a case of Guinness). And I…guess it’s OK. If you’re really really into Twilight. Which neither of us are. I’m afraid my main strategy came down to “press up on the command cross” and hope for the best. Although at times they decide to exploit the Wii’s waggle function to…exploit its waggle function I guess. Some of the questions use movie clips or stills, but most are basically just typical multiple choice, with very little personality (my sole experience with trivia games is the You Don’t Know Jack series. I mean who would play DIS over DAT?).

Well, I take that back. The game does have an announcer of sorts. It’s kind of like they hired an actor who likes to ham it up a la Tim Curry and gave him a fatal amount of Quaaludes. He’s ordinarily given to instructions and a few uninvolved quips. However, at the end of a round, if you’re doing well enough, he says:

YOU SPARKLE LIKE A DIAMOND.

Cue me rolling on the floor, my stomach aching with pain from the amount of laughter it elicited. Dear Crom, can you even say that without giggling?  Seriously, imagine your favorite characters saying that.

So does it suck? Not as much as it could. It’s still probably coherent enough if you know the stuff. I mean, if this was Scene It: Robocop or Scene It: Universal Monsters edition, I’d probably be good to go. But you know, as far as trivia games go, I’ll stick to You Don’t Know Jack. But hey, I’d rather play Scene It: Twilight than play Splatterhouse again, so it has THAT going for it.

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